Why Emotional Distance Can Feel Safer Than Intimacy
We say we want closeness. We long for intimacy, for someone to really see us. And yet, many of us unconsciously create emotional distance the moment it starts to feel too real. This isn’t self-sabotage, it’s self-protection. And understanding that difference is where healing begins.
What Emotional Distance Really Is
Emotional distance is a coping mechanism that shows up when we fear being overwhelmed, rejected, or engulfed by another person. It can look like being busy all the time, intellectualising feelings, or needing space that never gets filled.
It doesn’t always look like avoidance. Sometimes it’s over-functioning, or becoming the caretaker, the one who holds it all together, so no one ever thinks to look too closely. This kind of distancing often begins early, in relationships where connection felt inconsistent, conditional, or painful.
If you have ever seen Sex and the City, then you know Mr. Big, who is a perfect example of emotional distance that somehow felt safer than intimacy. He was always just out of reach, but his emotional distance wasn’t coldness; he was actually very charming, though he made sure to keep his feelings guarded and his commitments ambiguous. In doing so, he avoided the vulnerability that real closeness demands. For Carrie, his distance was frustrating and alluring at the same time, because it offered the illusion of control and safety without the risk of exposure.
The Nervous System’s Role in Pulling Away
When closeness registers as danger in the body, our nervous system reacts the same way it would if a car was speeding toward us. Even when intimacy makes sense in your mind, your body might still remember it as danger if closeness once came with pain, shame, or abandonment.
That’s why someone loving you well can still make your heart race, palms sweat, or your instinct say run.
Signs You’re Keeping People at Arm’s Length
You crave connection but feel irritated, bored, or trapped when you get it.
You intellectualise emotions instead of expressing them.
You fantasise about a deep connection but resist it in real time.
You feel safer helping others than being emotionally seen yourself.
When You're Protecting vs. When You're Connecting
| When You're Protecting | When You're Connecting |
|---|---|
| Withholding what you really feel | Naming your feelings, even when it’s awkward |
| Keeping things surface-level | Letting someone see what matters to you |
| Planning an exit | Letting yourself stay |
| Managing the impression they have of you | Being honest about your needs, mess and all |
Why We’re More Comfortable With Longing Than Having
Longing allows us to stay in fantasy. It gives us control, distance, and the illusion of safety. We project our desires onto a person, an idea, or a future moment where it will all make sense.
But having? Receiving? That asks us to be present. It asks us to stay. And for many of us, that feels far more terrifying than living in the fantasy ever did.
Some of us learn to equate love with the tension of never quite having it, but the good news is that intimacy is a skill you can practice.
Try these prompts:
When do I start to pull away?
What does closeness feel like in my body?
What would it mean to stay, just a little longer?
