How Being Online Changed Being Together

We live in the most connected time in human history, and yet so many of us feel emotionally starved.

Our phones are always within reach, and we can FaceTime across continents in seconds. But presence isn’t the same as intimacy. Technology might be giving us constant access, but not necessarily a deeper understanding. And somewhere along the way, being available to each other replaced being truly with one another.

We didn’t used to know this much about people we rarely see, and we didn’t used to think connection meant watching someone’s life while we sit in bed, alone, refreshing our social media feed.

I often hear people say:

“I talk to people all the time, but I feel so disconnected.”

“My partner and I are always in touch, but it feels like we’re never really together.”

This is no longer a personal issue, it is cultural. And it is so understandable, because we are living through a complete redesign of how human beings connect.

From shared presence to constant access

Technology gave us access. It removed the waiting. There’s no more wondering if someone got home safe, you can track them. No more missed moments, just send a photo. But what happens when we remove the gaps?

Esther Perel once said, “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.”

Technology collapsed the space between us. And in doing so, it also collapsed some of the mystery. We know too much, too fast, with too little time to feel it. We don’t miss each other anymore, we just keep up.

Digital closeness isn’t the same as emotional closeness

We’ve confused contact with connection. Being available 24/7 doesn’t mean being attuned with a person, and responding quickly doesn’t mean understanding deeply.

In therapy, we talk about the difference between proximity and presence.

You can lie in bed next to someone and feel miles apart. You can FaceTime someone daily and still not know what they’re really going through. The digital tools that help us stay in touch also allow us to perform closeness without experiencing it.

Technology changed how we begin relationships and how we leave them

It’s never been easier to meet someone, or to disappear from them. With dating apps, we can now talk for months without ever meeting up in person, and this is the new normal. At the same time, it’s never been easier to ghost, mute, unfollow, or emotionally disappear. Conflict is avoidable, repair is optional, and closure is outsourced to silence. We don’t break up anymore, we fade out.

We’re not worse at relationships. We’re just under different conditions.

If you’re feeling disconnected, it’s because connection now takes more effort than ever before.

Where once being in proximity with somebody created intimacy, living in the same town, having the same routines, now we must choose to create it. We have to fight against the convenience that trades intimacy for immediacy.

So what do we do?

We learn to be intentional again. We remember that intimacy isn’t about constant contact, it’s about consistent care. Technology has changed how we connect, but we still get to decide how we love. Let’s not forget how.